Improv Break-Up
i’ve been reluctant to write about this for fear of seeming whiny or ungrateful or unbalanced, but it’s something that has consumed me for a bit and i feel i might feel better if i just get it off my chest.
so an improv team broke up with me. i’m not going to mention the name (out of respect b/c i still like the team), but those of you that know me can probably figure it out. i know this is something that happens to people from time to time and most people would see it as no big deal, however, i’m upset about how it all went down. i received no email or phone call saying “it’s not you, it’s us” or “sorry, you got fat”. i was only able to piece together that i was not on the team anymore through obvious context clues found via social networking. i’ve been naively waiting for the past few months to receive an email saying “hey, we need you to do a show” or whatever. i’ve only recently accepted the fact that this is not going to happen.
the reason i say it was a “break-up” is because this is how it feels to me. it feels like i got dumped after being in this relationship i loved for 3 years (that’s longer than any actual relationship i’ve ever had). with no explanation as to why, i can only assume it’s because they hated me as an improviser. if it’s not because of my improv and it’s about me as a person, then i guess this would be a different post. since then, this has caused me to lose all confidence. my improv skills are declining and i am constantly paranoid that no one likes performing with me. i have a spinning plates sort of effect in my head after shows trying to weigh everything that i did wrong and remembering what people looked like on the backline as i performed. it’s having a terrible snowball effect that i’m having a hard time snapping out of. it’s an odd thing that i can’t really talk to anyone about, because eventually people get tired of hearing about a break-up and, frankly, hearing “it gets easier” never helps. (did you guys notice my spinning plates AND snowballing metaphors in consecutive sentences? maybe i should give up improv and become a writer!)
let me say on my behalf, i am not clueless. i can recognize when i have a bad show. and i had a few on this team. on the other hand, i had some pretty great ones too. i don’t feel boastful saying so either. there are people out there that started doing musical improv because of me specifically (i know because they’ve told me). it’s hard not to feel confident when you hear that, right? there were shows where i nailed it. we nailed it. as a team. and still, i never felt (even after those great shows) that the team recognized that i had any part of it. circling up after shows and playing the pass the compliment game, but let’s forget to compliment Dez on anything good she did. really, i should have seen this coming. blerg, i feel like that example might be bad, because it might seem like i just need attention or positive re-enforcement. it’s not about that, it’s just about feeling welcome.
and to be fair to my Ex, there were certain members on the team who i felt always had my back. who actually enjoyed performing with me. then all but one moved to LA.
anyway, i don’t know what the message of this is aside from wanting the world to know how i feel. perhaps to let people know that this improv community lets you feel hugged and warm and confident, which is why when you’re cut…it’s such a blow. it shouldn’t feel harsh, but sometimes it is. if anyone out there has been in this situation as well, know that: it’s OK to feel hurt. that’s what happens when you are passionate about something.
ok, moving forward. come judge me for yourself tonight at The PIT!
8pm Tuscarora Fire Co Picnic/Borealis
9:30pm Hello!
