Suck In. Look Funny.

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Mon Nov 17

meh

i’m feeling very stressed right now. work is crazy. i’m on the fence about a lot of things involving my future. i’m too scared to make the moves i want to make, but i’m currently unhappy with those things. i did just get my christmas bonus (early, but just in time) so i am excited to pay some bills and start my christmas shopping. sounds lame, but i really do get joy in buying things for other people. i didn’t get to do any christmas shopping last year ‘cuz i was broke then, too.

i’m also keeping some bottled up frustrations about someone. this person has just been grating on me. i don’t usually keep friends that make me feel like shit, but i don’t have the nerve to talk to this person about it. i just keep bitching about it to shawn or stacey, and i’m sure they’re sick of it too. the thing that prevents me from talking to this person is that they have a way of arguing with me that always makes me just feel stupid and gross. so i can’t bring myself to talk to them about it.

aw well, i suppose this too shall pass.

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Tue Nov 11

“ I apologize to you and your children. If you’re an adult, get over it. Joe Scarborough after an F-bomb slip

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Mon Nov 10

for shawn, ‘cuz he has a total crush on him

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Fri Nov 7

is it not known that you are not supposed to tell someone “you look tired” ? i mean, i had a troubled mind this morning and not the best sleep, but i made an actual effort to not look so. my response when anybody says this to me is “no, i just look like shit, i got plenty of sleep”.

it’s the same when people ask “are you OK?” (right, keith?) i mean, most of the time i am “ok” but even when i am not, it doesn’t help to ask. i know you are just trying to show concern, but i just don’t wanna open up that can of beans. i’ll speak when i’m good and ready and drunk.

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Wed Nov 5

“ Let’s have sex without a condom tonight so we can have an OBAMA BABY! drunken text to my boyfriend last night

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(via jenc)

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Tue Nov 4

Poo-litics (name have been changed)

Stacey: You've been invited to this chat room!
you GUYS
i wanted a free donut, and then i remembered it was krispy kreme and not dunkin
Jacob: yeah, i didn't make it to the kreme today
but i got my starbux
Stacey: i dont even know where there is one
Jacob: and i'm gonna go get it agin
Stacey: im afraid with all this excitement + starbucks my head might explode
Jacob: i found out that babes in toyland has a vibrating sleeve for boys too!
Stacey: we are overachievers
me: "the maverick"
Stacey: you wanna come?
Jacob: i didn't go, but their thing goes for a few days, so maybe i'll make it there tomorrow
me: i'm gonna get my coffee on my way to babeland
Stacey: no pun intended
me: jacob, you should meet us after work!
Stacey: totally
Jacob: when are you going
me: meeting stace at like 6:45
or 6: 30
Stacey: 6:45?
Jacob: pst3k starts at 7
i can be late but i don't wanna be too
Stacey: good lord what am i supposed to do until then
Jacob: but it would be great to be able to demonstrate it in the show
me: yes, but how awesome would it be that that is the reason you are late?
i forgot how to invite other people into group chattness
Bristol has joined
me: "sorry i'm late guys, i had to pick up the maverick"
Bristol: I want the maverick
me: shit, i gtg
Jacob: yeah maybe i will
Bristol: maybe you will what?
Jacob: do you think there will be a crazy line? i could go early and get us a place
Jacob: maybe i will go to babes in toyland for a maverick
Stacey: ha ha
Bristol: Ohhh me too
Stacey: a crazy line at the vibrator store? i hope not.
8 minutes
Stacey: You've been invited to this chat room!
Sarah: I'm leaning on a ladder
Jacob: completely nude except an obama pin thru one nipple and a hillary one thru t'other
Bristol: I'm sitting side saddle on a park bench that is inside
Phil: i have a neon yellow hat, a neon yellow windbreaker open over a black tee, and tight jeans
Jacob: oh i have a boom box over my shoulder
Phil: two shades of yellow
Jacob: and a backwards hat with my hair sticking through
Bristol: I'm wearing a flannel shirt with the arms cut off
Hi phil
Phil: oh, you're the tough one
Bristol: Hi ashley
Phil: hey hey
Sarah: black leotard, and oversized purple sweater, off the shoulder of course!
Jacob: blossom hat?
anyone?
Bristol: wait does everyone want to know my new favorite tv show??????
Phil: don't worry bout the future you guys
Sarah: i do
Jacob: i guezz
Bristol: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP-w5PwI2Ug
me: you guys! i have no idea about all that shit i just read
Bristol: You don't even need the sound
on to experience glory
Jacob: hahaha
Bristol: so are we all getting sex toys or what
Jacob: yeah, i'm sold on bringing the maverick to pst3k
Bristol: It is my dream to do a show like attitudes
Stacey: we ARE
Jacob: wait, did i invite keith? i think i forgot him
Bristol: It fucks up his computer
Keith has joined
Bristol: Or not
Jacob: Group chat!
Bristol: or that was a like
me: woohoo
Bristol: lie
Hi keith
ashleywar: I feel special
Keith: what uppp
me: i can guarantee Keith don't wanna go get no maverick
ashleywar: nope, wait a sec
me: ward!
Bristol: Wanna get a sex toy?
Stacey: lets time how long until keith leaves
ashleywar: I'm just wet from urinating on myself
Jacob: no but he wants to come to the show and take pictures of me demonstrating it
Keith: i gchattin
me: eww..jacob!
Jacob: i'll keep it in my pants
Bristol: Keith who is the WSJ calling for???
Jacob: i just think people will want to see what goes on
Phil: it's gonna come to the theater already smelling like movie theater popcorn butter
Stacey: apparently you can turn it inside out...for her pleasure
Jacob: that is what i jizz
Stacey: Bristol
Jacob: anyone want to go to a movie later?
snacks on me!
ashleywar: dear god
me: whoppers
what are we talking about?
ashleywar: the maverick is scary
so much nubbiness and plastic
me: yeah, no thanks to the prickly penis
ashleywar: get some soft hands like Bristol
Stacey: oooo
ashleywar: Bristol you should market your hands as a sex toy for gents
Stacey: Bristol is the real maverick
ashleywar: better than the maverick
Jacob: haha
ashleywar: exactly
Bristol: WAy better
ashley! I give a crazy good massage too
Jacob: well, i guess that's probably true
Bristol: i'm mean if you and nate are ever you kknow....
Phil: "in a swing state"
Keith: nice, phil
Phil: HEYO
Bristol: I'm swing my state like a newjack
swinging
EVERYONE: I'm really bad at spelling
Jacob: i guess i can think about phylicia rashad no matter what's on my junk, right?
me: let's make sure we keep this political as the forum promised
Jacob: we're talking about MAVERICKS, dez
julie has joined
me: but now i'm thinking about MRs COSBY
Jacob: Group chat!
Bristol: I voted and got in a fight with the inspectors and a police officer told me to calm down
So are we meeting up for sex toys
?
me: bristol, you need to chill gazpacho
Stacey: in front of ZAC POSEN
Keith: did yall got sex toys? i got my coffee just now
me: yes WE ARE MEETING AT BABELAND IN SOHO ATY 6:30 FOR SEX TOYS
Jacob: not yet but we gunna, right?
Bristol: Oh M.G.
Stacey: i love when dez reverse shouts
Jacob: haha
me: i'm gonna be late, so hold down the silver bullet until i get there
(it's always on purpose, ne'er you worry)
Bristol: Also I'm bringing champagne and artisanal (sp) rice cripsy treats
Phil: jacob didn't help, did he?
ashleywar: the silver bullet has a long thing with the batteries in it
Phil: that recipe calls for butter
ashleywar: a lot of cord to get in the way
cripsy
watch out!
Bristol: BUT ashley you can keep it in
ashleywar: they are filled with gangs!
in you v hole?
I don't think so
me: yes
Bristol: and put the remote in your pocket
yes
just pop it in
julie has left
ashleywar: ideally I wouldn't have pockets if I'm using it
me: and go to dinner!
Bristol: like an internal camera
ashleywar: it's not a tic tac bristol!
Phil: put peanut butter on the end and have a tug-of-war with the cat
ashleywar: you can't pop it in
Bristol: Yes you can
Keith: yes we can
Phil: yes WE can
uh!
ashleywar: yes WE CAN
me: yesWE will
ashleywar: thanks obama
Phil: that's my jaob laugh: uh!
ashleywar: come and put a silver bullet in my hole
obama
that is not an open invitation
Bristol: YES I CAN!
ashleywar: just to obama
Jacob: wow julie hated this
ashleywar: ha ha ha ha
Bristol: Julie is a cunt
ashleywar: BRISTOL
Keith: haaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bristol: everybody knows
Keith: wtf
ashleywar: she's cunt...ry
Bristol: I KNOW
ashleywar: like barbara mandrel
Jacob: i'm cock and roll
me: YES WE CUNT
Bristol: Stacey tell julie how i feel
Phil: i guess i'm ASS-id jazz
me: (you guys are all forwarned this will be tumblrd)
Keith: booooooooooo
Bristol: NOOOO
Jacob: but i sound like a potty-mouthed fag in this chat!
Bristol: I hate that PLEASE use my name as redacteded
Sarah: we're just rapping about the issues!
Phil: you can't forewarn something that's already happened
me: it hasn't happened yet you turd
Stacey: the only people who read your tumblr are all in this chat
Bristol: I'm raping about the issues
PM Keith: i read the tumblrs
Bristol: But still please redacted my name
Phil: bingo keith
Sarah: i'm rapping about tissues SO ABSORBANT
me: YOUR IN THE CHAT KEITH
Keith: i gchattin!
me: is that sarah PALIN?
Jacob: haha
Sarah: YO UBETCHA
Jacob: oh keith
me: ;)
Jacob: AAAAHHHH
Phil: kill it with fire!
Bristol: Hey do you guys know that tina fey does an impression of sarah palin
Keith: you betcha like in fargo, 'what the heckdya mean?
Sarah: i'm horny for democracy
me: no
Sarah: i meant hungry!
i'm hungry the regular kind too
Bristol: Are you in on the sex shop action sarah?
Stacey: sarah come with us
Bristol: Who is in on the sex shop?
Sarah: i am not!
Phil: not i
me: you guys, i totally pounced on the voting booth today
Sarah: i have to VOTE still
Jacob: haha
Bristol: I want a HUGE dilda
Phil: vote with your neener
Bristol: yes dilda
Stacey: pick up the phone, silly!
Jacob: pick up the ballot, silly!
Sarah: peeners and veegers!
Stacey: dangggg
Keith: after you vote, stop by starbucks and ask for a tall coffee. they ask di dyou vote? and you say yes. and then they say "all right!"
Bristol: Cum sarah!
Jacob: not mine
Sarah: TOO FAR
Jacob: i had to say, "are you doing the free coffee thing?" and the lady said yes
Stacey: if it doesnt happen EXACTLY like that im gonna be so pissed keith
Keith: yes. blame me.
me: hey jamba! jamba!
Jacob: jamba's doing something too?
holy shit
me: no, i werch
Keith: saywhaaaaaaaaa
Jacob: aww
Keith: dang
Jacob: bummer
me: just felt like saying that
Keith: jamba blueballs
Bristol: Guys secret time
Jacob: ooh
me: i'm listening
Phil: jamba's letting everyone vote for free in their own counties, and then tomorrow they give america a free presdient
me: go on
Stacey: who wants to hit macy's juniors department for some free ben and jerrys before the pit
Bristol: I hate coffee but love jamba juice
me: (don't worry, i'm listening with my testies)
Jacob: stace, we don't have time for all this shit!
Bristol: Guys seriously the maverick looks awesome
Jacob: yeah i'm gonna jizz in one
me: i think it looks like an extinct animal
Keith: say it 'mavewick'
Bristol: Meeeeeeeee too
Keith: it emasculates the word
Bristol: I will
I say it gawy style
when i ask for it
which i'm assuming is like the starbucks thing.
Phil: then go into an unsolicited 5-minute bit about the kerry campaign
Bristol: Keith : WHO IS WINNING
Jacob: i'm gonna say, "i'm here for the free fake pussy"
Bristol: ?
Imma ask to test one
Jacob: ashley's losing, that's for sure
Bristol: And then spit in it
would someone tape me doing that
Jacob: hahahaha
Bristol: I think it will cause quite the stir
maybe even make the papers.
me: you guys, i respect sex shops..if you guys are gonna act like pricks, i'll pretend i don't know you
Bristol: that's what my mom does
me: and then when we get outside, i will shit on your face
Phil: just act like you're buying pricks
Jacob: oh phil
Bristol: Good one, phil
Phil: they can't all be gems
Sarah: youguys
Phil: you gotta dig through a lot of dirt to hit GOLD
me: NSFW
Bristol: Is it ok if i speak in a british accent at the sex shop?
Jacob: hahaha YES
me: i feel like no one even noticed my promise of shitting on your faces
Bristol: like but lady british
Sarah: lol
Keith: you would say "deel-do"
Phil: i didn't want to jinx it
me: i'm titling this post "poolitics"
Bristol: keith i am laughing so hard at that
Keith: no you're not
Bristol: DON'T USE MY NAME !
I actually am
Jacob: just take the compliment ketih
Keith: shut up
Jacob: guys have you met my friend ketih?
Sarah: is ther like a sp[ecific on ethey are giving out?
ot can you get whichever you like?
Bristol: Yeah keith it is offensive to me when you don't take the compliment it insinuates that i have no taste
Jacob: there's the silver bullet for ladies and the maverick for fellas
Keith: ..if the dildo fits
Stacey: its true - he tells me that all the time
Sarah: oh
thats what you meatn
Keith: mavewick
Jacob: sorry, right
Bristol: Guy secret time.
Guys sorry
me: WAITING bristol
Bristol: I do dare
i type like i am retarted
sorry.
Ok my secret is...
Jacob: this better be good now
Bristol: i can't
....
i can't
...
OMG
I can't
Keith: spill it
Sarah: bristol
Keith: what are we talking about?
Sarah: you're in a safe place
Bristol: I voted for mccain for fun
Sarah: TUMBLERD
me: how fun was it?
Bristol: SO. MUCH . FUN
Stacey: yeah, on that fake ballot they prolly won't even count
Keith: what a waste of those baby soft hands
Phil: today, you shit on america's face
Bristol: I didn't
Jacob: you're dead to me
Bristol: really
me: that's MY job
Bristol: guys i was kiddin
me: are you guys paying attention?
Bristol: i just wanted to get a rise outta ya
Keith: nO
Jacob: guys, it cost 100 BONES, get it? are you listening? no? okay, i'll say it again
ashleywar: jeez louise
Keith: jacoby how late is the pit thing going til tonight? is there a cap on it?
ashleywar: I go away for one sec
Keith: yashley
ashleywar: why am I losing jdawg?
Jacob: i think it's just over when it's over
Bristol: is anyone else on that panel thing?
Jacob: cuz you ain't keepin' up, sweet tea!
ashleywar: I'm doing it
Stacey: there is no cap...we are partying til the break of dawn
ashleywar: the panel
Stacey: unless mccain wins, then i'm in bed by 9
ashleywar: babeland is right by my apt
Keith: after the party its the pit lobby
ashleywar: so I can go anytime between now and the 11th
Jacob: they sure did a terrible job of promoting who was going to be part of it
Bristol: Where do you live???
ashleywar: and get a bullet for my v hole
Jacob: (and everything else they do)
ashleywar: les
Bristol: Oh damn
Stacey: is anyone gonna be in the audience? my lord
ashleywar: probably not
I may bail early
Bristol: we're kindof neighbors
ashleywar: sweet
where are you
?
Bristol: on thompson
ashleywar: noice
Keith: if mccain wins tomorrow it's gonna be unofficial white people holiday. that's what i herrrrd at least
Stacey: cool!
me: what does that even mean?
Bristol: I heard there are going to be gang initiations at the polls
Phil: do i get to stay home?
Stacey: we never get holidaze
Bristol: so don't vote
me: i celebrate that everyday
ashleywar: me too
Bristol: sarah told me
ashleywar: my pastiness has set me free
Sarah: there's gonig to be gang inititaions in my apartment
Keith: me too!
Bristol: Sarah DON'T GO INTO YOUR APT.
Sarah: in my BED
Stacey: does grace know?
ashleywar: hello
Stacey: somebody warn him
Sarah: dingdong
Stacey: ahhhh
Bristol: Sarah : Don't flash your lights if they have their headlights off
ok?
Stacey: i always do that
it's kind
Bristol: STACE: They will kill you
it is part of a gang intitiatitoinononon
Sarah: flasher
Phil: oh. my. god. every time i check my inbox i have two more things to do at work.
Stacey: yeah...from DRIVING WITH THEIR LIGHTS OFF
Bristol: The gangs will kill you
Gangs kill
ashleywar: oh.my.god
phil wells is a tween!
Bristol: So does abortion
Jacob: how was the hannah montana concert phil?
Phil: tween your mom and a trapeze
ashleywar: hello
you sob
you wish
Keith: fight! fight!
ashleywar: you was with my moms
Bristol: Jonas bros.
ashleywar: I would whip his ass and he knows it
Sarah: did you finish twilight, phil?
ashleywar: ha